I’m a bit shammed to admit that I didn’t catch it until a friend pointed it out a few weeks ago, but there’s been a change of tone in these pages. Of course there are still some of those over wrought posts where I perhaps dwell too much on the past and how maybe riding in a different way, or a pure way will cleanse me of that sin – those sins – actually.
But that idea is a dodge. An easy way to trick yourself into thinking you have done the necessary work to move beyond those transgressions. It took time to realize that I could only move beyond them by confronting them. If I wasn’t willing to do that, then I would always find myself in this trap.
Dwelling on those big things. Constantly returning to them reinforces a negative self view (something I am by no means alone in struggling with), which turns even the smallest slights into big deals. Which keeps one stuck in the “I’m a peice of shit loop.”
“We’ve got to see you win sometimes!” A friend told me once. It was then, a year ago maybe, that I started trying to find the upside of life. And like I said at in the lede, I didn’t realize the “winning” or trying to win at least had become the dominant tone of this blog. For the past years the stories I’ve posted on Fridays focused on the self induced pain and suffering of racing and life. They were ambient wails of the shit I did to myself.
Maybe I’m growing up.
Maybe I just don’t want to write about it anymore.
Maybe I’m tired of thinking I’m a piece of shit because I did a few things wrong – or not as well as I should have done them.
It took some long self assessment to realize I’m adept at focusing on the negative and flogging myself with my own mistakes, at causing myself pain. A particularly twisted and terrible form of egomania. Maybe that’s why racing lost its allure for a while. It wasn’t a way to revel in the joy of being alive. It was a way to hate and beat myself. That shit gets old after a while.
I like to think that recent posts, which actually move through something and come to a conclusion. A sign that I’m trying to find away to move past the self-flogging and hopefully put an end to the negative self view. It’s an easy habit to fall into and it takes guts and honesty to move out of it.
I don’t believe in new agey “If I think it, it will come to be” because sometimes you aren’t the only thing holding yourself back. The world is not a vacuum. That statement made, there is still a price to be paid for low self esteem. If you don’t stand up and respect yourself then you can’t expect anyone to respect you. So I guess in that way I’ve been holding myself back.