Excuse the brief absence, but I was working on a bit of writing that will be showing up soon. In print. Yes I am still old enough to think that something like that matters. It was a different bit of writing for me, as it included actual journalism. Calling people, asking questions, learning what follow up questions to ask, and more importantly, writing over two-thousand words and not referencing myself once. Which is difficult for a narcissist like myself.
Anyway, I got through it. It was a challenge for me, and I spent at least one day sitting at the big table, with some bad art staring over my shoulder, at the coffee shop down the street trying to will words on to the page. All while fully accepting the flaw in that method of writing. Maybe it will work this time? The day after not writing any words, save for one terrible sentence, or series of them actually, I sat at a friends house and complained about the challenge.
During the ride down to that friend’s house it occurred to me that I haven’t really challenged myself in a long time, or what felt like a long time. Racing did more for me than just provide an outlet for the stresses of life, but also served as a concrete measuring stick. Every week, even the good ones, there was a very real assessment of where I was at.
Truth be told I am not challenged in my job. Until the last week, when I was driven to start training again, I was just riding. Going hard when I wanted or going easy even when I should have been riding hard. There were little tasks in those rides, but no real challenges.
The lack of challenges has given me a big head. I find myself falling into diseased thinking. Thoughts like “I’m too good for this place. So fuck ‘em, they get the bare minimum.” Those thoughts damage my work ethic and disprove the idea that “I am too good for where I work.”
Ignoring whether or not the above statement is true or not for a moment (a long moment please) because it doesn’t matter. If I truly was too good, then I wouldn’t need to state it, I would just be. I don’t think this makes me different from most people. I’ve worked in a cube farm with any number of people who didn’t give a shit because they were “too good”. Instead of facing the unknown of going after what they want they decided to feel superior and become bitter assholes. I’m more than halfway there just based on my natural disposition.
I don’t want to become one of those people.
I’m stoked for Cross season because I get to race. I get to write about racing for the MFG Cyclocross series, which means more writing where I can’t include my story. I’m excited about that. I’m ready to challenge myself again.