Desperately Seeking

My truth: Every task I undertake in this town feels exponentially harder than it did before I moved here. Real or not, that feeling makes it nearly impossible to get excited to train, hell some days riding to work seems like an insurmountable task.
In the months before I moved to Seattle I was looking to gain something I’d been lacking for long before Signe and I meet, the ability to take care of myself. Which is the reason I stayed in Portland for so long after she left. Over the course of those four months I went to therapy, where my integrity was rightfully attacked. Where I was pushed and pushed to try to start living my life, not only with more integrity but with a little for foresight and a lot less self defeat. I was doing ok at that for a while, but I’ve relapsed on the foresight. Integrity. Once its lost it is a long hard road back to the place you started. I still have some amends to make before I can even begin to start.

What came with those months of being responsible for my own well being was a growing sense of control over my life. I rode when I wanted, for as long as I  wanted.  Life is better with the one I love, but there are always trade offs.

A friend wrote to me about how in control they feel right now. How it is empowering. I want a piece of what she has. I am happy and jealous of her at the sametime. At first glance it seems that what I want is to just come and go when I want, but that’s not the control I’m envious of. It’s not what my friend is speaking about.

Control isn’t about going where you want when you want. Often times that just becomes a diversionary tactic. No, control is knowing what you want and feeling confident enough to make it happen for yourself. Well part of it anyway.

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