In the end, responsibility for success or failure will fall on the shoulders of the the individual. Remember that hte root of failure in almost all cases can be traced to a lack of sheer will power. —Rob MacDonald
This quote (which I know I’ve posted before, but can’t recall when) sits just to the left of where I’m writing this. I’ve forgotten, or more likely ignored it’s existence numerous times since putting it there back in the fall. At my best moments it reminds me that I’m the one in charge, that all of my actions are a conscious choice on my part. And at my worst moments it reminds me of the same thing.
Unforgivably, its often the later. But again that’s no one’s fault but my own. If you’re a regular reader, you know that I’m also willing to fess up when I haven’t done my best. One could accuse me of grabbing the nearest obstacle and throwing in my path after I’ve made a huge leap forward.
The above quote happens to go hand in hand with something Project Deliverance tweeted the other night.
“Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off of your goal.”
I mused on my tubmlr
page that it seems like those moments when one makes the biggest leaps forward are the ones that are the most dangerous. Because you’ve suddenly made this huge leap forward, finally getting that job, winning that race, or nailing your racing weight, it suddenly feels like you can relax. You (meaning I) take a deep breath and take in the view from your new perch. Before you know it you’ve gained a few of those pounds back. You took your eye off the goal and now you find all these things in your way preventing you from getting even further.
When I show up for my weekly therapy session feeling down, or confused my therapist is fond of reminding me of something I said once while sitting on the couch.
“I feel good because I’m doing what I’m supposed to fucking do”
To him, this phrase encompasses everything I’m about. I didn’t mean it in the sense of what society expects from me. If that was the case we wouldn’t be sitting here now. How I meant it, and what he’s fond of reminding me of is that I was living according to my own code. That I was actively engaged in process of moving my life forward. I was working toward my goal.
In that context we were talking about getting off my ass and submitting work for publication, but the same rings true for anything. When I take my eyes off of the goal and throw those obstacles in my way I’m not “doing what I’m supposed to fucking do”, I’m doing what I’m not supposed to do. I’m setting myself back.
These topics have been at the forefront of my mind for the past week when yesterday I checked in with the Gym Jones
site and found this brilliant nugget, again written by Rob MacDonald. His honesty took some serious courage, and left me full of questions (as all good/honest writing should do). The third paragraph in particular hit me hard.
I have spent the last fourteen years failing to live up to the example my parents set for me. I have lived a life filled with numerous mistakes. Mistakes brought on by my sense of anger and resentment. The biggest mistake that I have made is failing to live up to my potential. I have failed to be the person I was raised to be and the person I should have been to those in my life who genuinely and unconditionally loved me. Even though some would look at my life and say I have done well I have truly failed to live up to my potential in numerous areas in both my professional and personal life. This is something that is unacceptable. It is something that I wouldn’t accept from those I train, from friends, or from other important figures in my life. It’s something that I now refuse to accept from myself. Today is the day that the mistakes of the past are rectified and the day that I stop repeating them.
From that point on my eyes were filled with tears. I couldn’t even finish it without admitting to the fact that I was also falling short. When I think about it, I can’t help but feel I’m letting the people in my life down. I know they might now feel that way. Or it they do they would never say it.
I’m not sure that really matters though. I know where I’ve gone wrong and its up to me to rectify the situation.