From time to time I lift posts directly from my personal notebook, or what I should really be calling it. My journal. Today I thought I’d post a picture instead of rewriting what went into those pages. What you see below are the answers to a few of the questions that I’ve been wrestling with lately.
The questions that elicited these answers have to do with the direction of my life, my creative life (this thing you read here plus more) and my racing/training life. The picture above comes from the 23rd of June, the day after I last raced Tabor. At the time I was wrestling with the factors that lead to me getting spit out the back after I picked up the prime.
I thought at the time, as I attempted to recover with a big gap, that I should attack again. I immediately put that idea to rest, was reabsorbed shortly after and the rest is history. In the light of the next day it became clear to me that I didn’t attack again because I was afraid of “blowing up”. What exactly was (am) I afraid of? Well I guess I just answered that with the “blowing up”. Still what’s the cost of putting myself in that place? ZERO.
A past subject of this blog, (one I would like to bring back as I develop my thoughts on it) was how training was a lot like doing creative work. This irrational fear that prevented me from even trying to attack again is the same fear that prevents me from reaching out to people who’s work I respect. From submitting more work than I do.
Thinking these things through it’s clear that I’m afraid to step out and take a big risk. Yes, I know there is technically a cost to all risk. But really what have I got going for me? I’m writing this post on a Tuesday morning, right now its just past seven am I’ve been up for the last two hours and I didn’t head to off to dreamland until 1:30am. In other words I don’t have a job to go to (I seem to be unemployable).
That means its time to step out from my creative zone and take some risks. Time to move this life forward. Time to move forward on some projects that have been floating around in my head. Some of you can expect emails.