I don’t know what to write about. In fact, my head feels like a vacuum. Maybe that’s not entirely true. I think I had some good ideas at work, but didn’t write them down, because, well I had to work and sadly they don’t pay me to write. They pay me to punch the keyboard and double check model numbers. It’s everything I’ve ever wanted. Jobs like this are the price you pay for being able to perform mundane tasks in a speedy accurate manner for long periods of time. I’ve been interested in a lot of things. Data entry was never one of them.
Lately it feels like my past is closing in on me. I’m feeling things I haven’t felt in long time, things I thought I had moved past. Thoughts that I wish would stay buried in the past, but everyday they just feel more and more present. I told a friend today not to worry, that my pot isn’t boiling over yet. That I’m somewhere just south of a boil. Thinking about it now I’d say that I’m a bit shy of a rolling boil. That’s not good. At least it hasn’t been in the past.
It’s hard to put my finger on what brings about these moments of cloudiness. This time it’s a number of things. Same old insecurities.
The wonder and horror of facebook is that it allows people to find you. Not that I have a low internet profile, but I’m also not the type of person you just happen to stumble upon and think to yourself “I remember him. Wonder how he’s doing?”. However that seems to be what happened. Someone who I was in New Mexico with found me and decided to give me a ring.
I was nervous at first, as things didn’t really end well. But I sent off a friendly reply. A nice, “How are you?” in return. Then came the bomb.
Her to me:
“Are you finished with Grad school?”
OUCH. I haven’t had the heart to respond yet. Though I did eventually accept the friend request. Things weren’t quite well before that, but that shit hurts.
I could have been, could still be I suppose damn good Anthropologist. I carefully observe and take in everything that’s going on around me. I can process that and begin to interpret it. I can put those thoughts into words, into the context of the work that’s come before it all while adding to field. I’m confident that I could still do that, if my memory was properly refreshed.
However, that’s not going to happen. Even if I went back after that I have put myself in such a position that I will never walk the halls as a student again. That degree I have is just a memory of one more thing I was “into”, one more thing I could have been good at, one more thing I gave up on.