It could have been my bedtime reading, but the other night I dreamed I was alone on a ridged of golden granite. I moved with all the confidence that was lacking in my waking life just hours earlier. This left me thinking about the disconnect between how I view myself sub-consciously, and how I view myself.
Tuesday was my first day climbing since getting frostbite. Both of my comfy shoes are at getting new rubber so I was left with my tighter sport climbing shoes. This caused a fair amount of discomfort, but I can’t blame that for my lack of mental composure. That can only be blamed on that fact that I just haven’t been trying hard enough. It’s hard to admit that, no check that, difficulty admitting that I fucked something up has never been a weak suit of mine.
Before Rainier I was climbing three to four days a week, but I was merely running laps on route I have wired. That’s bullshit. I go through phases were I throw myself whole hog into a project, accept that I may fail, that I’ll fall, that I’ll be more than a bit uncomfortable. I bang my head against the wall for bit, but then a break through comes and another route gets removed from the tick list. More importantly I over come myself and jump to another level mentally. That’s it, thats why I love climbing. That’s why I love training. Those little breakthroughs are the reason I purse this silly inconsequential activity. Sadly I’m not at that stage right now.
So what’s the problem? Why was I stymied well before the crux on a route I’ve wanted to do for a long time? There are several answers.
- I’m mentally weak from having not pushed myself to sac up and attempt to onsight and work on new routes.
- I was/have been protecting myself. Because….well I don’t have an excuse and that’s just WEAK!!!
- I’ve been living off how I was climbing and training a year and a half ago, not where I’m at now. Which is about 10 pounds heavier, with a higher body fat percentage and significantly weaker fingers. There’s only one person to blame for that ME.
- For all the talk I do, I’m still a human who deals with the same stuff everyone else does. The only difference is that I’m aware of it. That’s supposed to help me fix the things that hold me back. Which makes my lack of a backbone even more egregious.
There are the reasons (as many as I could come up with) I climb so much better in my dreams than in real life (which we know is what really matters). I’ve visualized the sequence that stumped me over a thousand times since that day. I’ve accepted the fact that I was over protecting, dropped the nervousness, and executed it cleanly a thousand times. That’s a start, but it doesn’t stand for shit if I don’t do it in real life. I’m headed back Monday to face the beast.